“It is not we who choose to awaken ourselves, but God Who chooses to awaken us.”
For much of my life, my faith has been tied to my actions. The checklist in my mind keeps close watch over how well I am doing. The perfectionist in me despises my failures, shortcomings, and sins, continually expecting more than I can give, no matter how unattainable that reality may seem.
However, despite it being counterintuitive to my nature, this statement from Merton brings me hope. It helps me to see that my strivings do not matter, which is both relieving and hard for me to handle. It is hard because so much of the time I wrap my identity up in my actions, even though what I do can never truly equate to who I am. This helps me to better see the work that Jesus accomplished on the cross. It teaches us that we no longer have to hold the weight of our sins. Our inadequacies do not define us.
Beyond the act of salvation, I believe Merton is trying to give us a glimpse of what the Christian life should look like. It really boils down to one thing. We must show up.
For me, this is just another way of talking about faithfulness. Showing up requires us to keep getting up off the mat when life knocks us down. It teaches us that nothing is owed to us. God’s movement is constant and our awakening to His goodness comes when He chooses.
Earlier this year, I went on a hike with a group of people. The man leading the way noticed that we were primarily looking down rather than at the scenery around us. He then proceeded to encourage us to not worry about the rocky terrain. He told us to focus on the world around us and that if someone tripped over a root or two along the way, it would be okay. The life happening around us was more important.
I think that this relates to Merton’s words. So much of the time we desire an awakening, a movement away from our current circumstances. However, our focus is primarily on what is going on rather than the One who can bring the change we need. It is easy to define ourselves by the rocky places in our life, but God wants us to see that we are so much more than that. His promises illuminate the beauty that He places in each of us. Only He teaches us this, but we have to be willing to learn.
Whether God brings the awakening that we desire or not, is ultimately up to Him. I am still coming to terms with this, but I know that faithfulness forms a trust in Him that continues to grow with time. As we learn to trust God, we begin to grab hold of our identity in Him and His movements as rhythms in our lives. He is always working, we just need to continue to show up to see it.