I don’t believe that God looks on sons and daughters, however wayward, with contempt or condescension because he sees them as somehow too morally compromised. And I certainly don’t believe in nonsense like, “God cannot even bear to look at us in our sin, God can only look at Jesus.” The primary function of the story of Jesus of Nazareth is to show us that we in fact have a God who looks us eyeball-to-eyeball. The remarkable proclamation of the gospel, is that God looks at us with the same perfect love and delight with which the Father looks at Jesus. So in this regard, humans are not mere worms or wretches. Love has already dignified us too much for that.
(Jonathan Martin)
This first blog I ever wrote was entitled “Finding What Matters” and it looks like I am still here. I am still tossing this question around my mind, just waiting for some epiphany to change my life and bring about some extraordinary purpose or meaning. I am still here, waiting for the thorns in my flesh to go away. I am still sinning. I am still hurting. I am still scared. I have not written on here in months. I have stuffed all of this inside me. I am still waiting.
So what does really matter?
I am currently at a coffee shop in Cleveland, Tennessee studying for the final exam for one of the hardest classes I have ever taken and the question that comes to my mind in this moment is… You guessed it:
Does any of this matter?
Then my mind rockets down the vortex of scenarios that I have tried to ignore for the better part of a year. What if you are doing this all wrong? Is this all a waste of time?
My mind takes me to these places where I begin to wonder if God is really worth it or if Jesus truly is who He says He is. Sometimes I feel like I do not know. See, I worry if this all matters because I do not know where I am going. I mean this physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I do not know what I am doing with my life. I do not know what to think. I do not know where I am headed spiritually. Also, how is Management Science going to help me live a fruitful life for Jesus that ends with an eternity of wholeness in His presence? Is the life that I am living right now being wasted? Are my mistakes keeping me from the opportunity of going to heaven? Ultimately, all of this is meaningless without Christ. Am I living without purpose?
I struggle to see the good in me. If you have read any of my other posts, then you have probably recognized this by now. I am scared that I am wasting my life and as a result I may go to hell, eternity separated from God. This is my belief of what hell is at least. These thoughts rush all around my mind this morning and I need to get them out. I need to share them.
I struggle with these thoughts because I want to believe that everything is going to be okay. I wanna just rest, but I cannot or at least I feel that I cannot. I am scared and I do not want to be. I know that living in fear only hinders true life from being fostered. I want to believe what the quote at the top of this page says. I want to believe that God is looking at me face-to-face and eye-to-eye with the fullness of delight, but I guess I just do not get it right now. This morning I do not understand.