“Nick, you have got to be the savior in this situation.”
I can still hear these words in my mind to this day. I was standing in the hallway at my high school as a person of leadership uttered that sentence or something to that effect to me during my junior year. It broke me and in many ways, I am still recovering.
I have never really tried to tackle this or express how being a pastor’s kid shaped me growing up. I do not regret that time in my life, but it is undeniable how much my experiences as a pastor’s kid and that of a pseudo-kid christian leader have made me the way that I am today. I truly was thrust into responsibility. Growing up with the weight of these expectations was not easy and as a pastor’s kid they come whether you are ready or not.
For years, I had attempted to be as “good” as I possibly could in order to set an example and hopefully make a difference, because I believed I could. I started bible studies. I was at church every time the doors were open. I sent text devotionals to 30-40 people each morning. I worked hard. I worked smart. However, I worked to make myself feel better. I worked because I could not save myself. I worked because I wanted to feel like I could save something, someone.
This point came when emotion was no longer able to sustain my efforts. We live in a world where we move from one emotional experience to the next fueled by our reliance on social media and our need to feel like every inch of our day should elicit a certain amount of value that we feel is not achievable apart from a rush found within the ecstasy of sustained interest. There is no room for boredom or distraction. There is no room for the quiet rhythms of the Holy Spirit.
My relationship with God during high school was primarily reliant upon weekly highs found in Wednesday night services. It was the only way that I truly knew how to experience God. I do not blame anyone for that. However when the emotion ultimately left, depression and anxiety quickly stepped in to replace the weekly “emotional awakening” I was so used to experiencing. I did not know where to run. I thought I had lost God. I thought I was doing something wrong.
In reality, the foundation of faith reveals itself when emotions wane. Mine was tied to emotion. In truth, emotion is good. It holds so much power in our lives and God transcends our circumstances in such beautiful ways allowing us to feel Him and His nearness. However, when there is no emotion, what is the sustaining factor our faith? Where do we run when feelings are lost?
In many ways I still wage war with this aspect of my mentality. I have a stoic disposition due to this, an attempt to not have my lows be so low and as a result I miss out on some highs as well. Still, I long for emotional stimulation and I believe we all do as humans. It thrusts us forward and teaches us the grandeur of human experience in relation to the divine.
“What faith gives you is the assurance that God is good, that God can be trusted, that God won’t forget you, and that, despite any indication to the contrary, God is still solidly in charge of this universe. Faith says that God is real and God is Lord and, because of this, there is ultimately nothing to fear. We are in safe hands. Reality is gracious, forgiving, loving, redeeming, and absolutely trustworthy. Our task is to surrender to that.”
My faith was broken and I do not know if I knew it. I was expected to save the lost around me at a time when I could not save myself, but it is in the realization that I am not supposed to even save myself that I find hope. It is Jesus who already has and he continually opens his arms to me even though I continually turn my back on him. This is the scandalous truth that I must remind myself of everyday.
I am thankful for those around me that always sought the best in me over these last few years. This is not an indictment of those around me growing up that may have placed expectations on me that I could not handle. Ultimately, I chose to accept those expectations as my own. However, I feel the need to reflect. I ran from the gifts that God utilized in me at a young age. I finally feel the need to express them again. I am thankful for those that have helped me get to this point.