“The same passion which leads us away from God can also lead us back to God and to our true selves.”
(Richard Rohr)
If you know me, and I mean truly know me, you know that I am a rather critical and cynical person, specifically of the Church as a whole. As of late, my criticism has been harder to keep from taking over my life. I cannot seem to turn a blind eye to the “show” of the Church that, in my opinion, masks the transforming power of the Gospel from allowing Christ followers to pursue vulnerable and authentic living in day-to-day life. I think that at times it preys on the emotions of the weak, bans those who may not fit in, and lifts up those who seem to be doing the right things or checking off the list of activities that seem to make a “good” person. Due to this, I have grown more and more “turned off” or “burnt out” with the Church. I find it hard to want to go to Church. I have found it hard to want much of anything lately.
I am beginning to see that I am in a spot that is described as the “critical distance,” in a book that I am currently reading. In this book, Out of Sorts by Sarah Bessey, which so far I would highly recommend reading, the author brings up a French philosopher by the name of Paul Ricoeur. Ricoeur writes about this “critical distance” by saying, “Beyond the desert of criticism, we wish to be called again.” I feel like this quote describes where I am in my current walk with Christ. I am in doubt. I am filled with criticism about the Church, my own life, and beliefs that I once held so dear that seem to be fading from view. However, the one thing that I desire more than anything is, as Ricoeur states, “to be called again.”
Truthfully, I do not know much about this area. I feel like I am just now realizing what is around me, what this means, and how to react to this newfound knowledge. However, this has drastically changed my outlook as of late. For me, hope has always been a struggle. People say “just give your burdens to Him” or give some pat answer that they got from a verse that they hardly follow themselves. And honestly, as a very logical and sometimes literal person, those “answers” are not always the most encouraging.
In addition to this I have begun to realize the importance of the words of the great philosopher and theologian Søren Kierkegaard:
It is perfectly true, as philosophers say, that life must be understood backwards. But they forget the other proposition, that it must be lived forwards.
Those who came before us have paved the way. They asked questions that we are asking. They have struggled with the same problems in their own lives and the cynical thoughts regarding the Church. However, this does not mean that we stop pushing forward. I think for awhile I have stopped pushing forward. Now, I think that due to my questions, doubts, pains, and struggles that I need to push all the more forward. I think that this quote is at the core of our humanity and our life as Christians. At its most basic form, it calls for us to learn from our mistakes and even in our mistakes and shortfalls it calls us to continue living through all of those screwed up parts in our life.
This is my goal for the Church and I do not think I will ever let go of that. It will probably continue to let me down. But the Church is always there, even when I am not feeling it. I know that there are members who make up the true Church and that gives me hope. I am beginning to find hope in knowing that others have wrestled with what I am wrestling with right now. So, maybe you will find that it is time to face the parts of your faith that make you uncomfortable or the questions that you have or to hear out the questions of others while you begin to sort through your own. I know we all have them, so let them out in the open and see what God does.