“Lord, we do not always rush to do your will. Often we tiptoe our way into obedience, dragging old habits and mindsets with us. Help us to delight at your voice and to trust that your calling is always good news. Amen.”
(Common Prayer: A Liturgy For Ordinary Radicals)
This prayer has been the essence of what life has looked like for me over the last few months. There have been days where I have not wanted to leave my bed. I have somehow, but I have not wanted to. My prayer many days has been, “Lord just help me to survive this day, because I don’t know if I can.” There was nothing else for me to hold onto. I am beginning to learn that all truly is grace. I have heard this through much of my life, but it has not taken root in my soul. There are many things that have not taken root in my soul.
I have finally begun to face some of my “old habits and mindsets” that have dominated the way that I have lived for many years. I would be lying if I told you that this was easy. It has been and is the hardest experience that I have ever gone through. It has been an identity crisis and I could not hear the One who was calling me by name.
The thing with God is that in my fits of anger, sadness, depression, and anxiety, as I fought tears and ran to the idols of my heart, He was still there. He is still there and He is faithful. He sees and hears us even when that is the last thing that we believe. This is the beauty of Christianity.
“I don’t believe that God looks on sons and daughters, however wayward, with contempt or condescension because he sees them as somehow too morally compromised. And I certainly don’t believe in nonsense like, “God cannot even bear to look at us in our sin, God can only look at Jesus.” The primary function of the story of Jesus of Nazareth is to show us that we in fact have a God who looks us eyeball-to-eyeball. The remarkable proclamation of the gospel, is that God looks at us with the same perfect love and delight with which the Father looks at Jesus. So in this regard, humans are not mere worms or wretches. Love has already dignified us too much for that.”
(Jonathan Martin)
I still do not know if I grasp the words above. I do not know “where I am” spiritually. However, I do not think that matters. There is not some scale ranging from good to bad in God’s mind. He is not a results minded God. It is not about how much we try or how well we do. A relationship with God is so much more than our wellbeing and I have gotten a small taste of that over these months. In my prayer of survival, He was all that I had and that was enough. I cannot say that I hold to that each day, but I want to. I want to be able to say that He is enough in every circumstance, but I fall short. My perfectionistic mentality does not like any of this, but I am learning that that is fine.
Christianity is not about our happiness. It is not about how hard we try. But if we dare to look into the hope that is found hanging on a cross and bursting from the grave, we find that life gets a little brighter. We find a God-Man who is willing to wrap his arms around us in the depths. We find a God who loves despite everything we can think of to turn Him away. He loves me and I believe that on some days more than others, but I am beginning to believe that more often. He has shown Himself faithful to me and I am eternally grateful.
I will never understand the love of God and I do not think I want to anymore. I would rather be in awe and stay there for the rest of my days.