“Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven lately. I often think about how unappealing we make it sound.
Or maybe, I just find it unappealing.
I’ve heard people describe it as all the things they want or wish they had.
I’ve heard about chocolate fountains and gold rings.
I’ve heard about riches and relationships.
Maybe, it’s some unconscious sense of self-loathing, but none of that sounds interesting to me.
I’ve been thinking about what it takes to get there, about the fake scenarios I was taught.
About winning souls.
About why it’s my job to get people there.
About being told that it was on me to save them.
I can’t even save myself.
I’ve written similar things before.
It’s funny how we fixate on certain moments and drop others forever.
I wish I could choose which was which.
I’ve been asked a few times lately why I still believe.
I don’t really blame people for walking away anymore.
After all, when people tell me they’re leaving their faith behind I usually say “I get it.”
And I do.
There have been years where if someone asked me why I still believe, I don’t know if I could answer positively.
There are times when I think the only reason I believed was stubbornness or sunk costs.
There are days where that is still the case.
There are other days where I know that Jesus is all I have or maybe it’s that He has me.
I’ll never really know where one line ends and the other begins with that.
I don’t really care, either.
The Bible says we should always be prepared to give a reason for our faith.
I don’t think we get that right.
I don’t think it’s that God needs defending.
I think He just wants us to live it out.
Easier said than done, obviously.
But if we did live it, maybe there wouldn’t be so many reasons against it.
At the same time, if I was doing so well all the time, I’d probably get a little too big for my britches.
I wouldn’t see my need for Him.
Maybe, that’s reason enough.
“All I am is what I’m going after.”
I think we all just want to be a part of something.
To feel seen and loved.
Most of us probably don’t feel that way most days.
I guess I haven’t given up my faith because it’s one of the only places where I’ve felt that way.
It’s where I learned to show others that too.
It’s what I hope to feel again.
It’s what I hope others see in me.
The cross.
The body.
The blood.
Maybe it’s my reason for faith.
Maybe I’m too stubborn to know the difference.
But I think that’s what heaven will be like.
An end to that search and that need.
Wholeness.